Sex, Love, and Rachel Berry
by gluon
Summary: Finn draws Rachel aside at prom to get her advice regarding Quinn. He learns about sex, love, and Rachel Berry.
1. Help!

F: Psst, Rachel. Over here.

R: You called, your majesty?

F: Please don't mock me. It wasn't my idea.

R: It was Quinn's idea, and Quinn was your idea. So now it's yours. You own it.

F: Let's not argue. I've got a problem and I need your advice. Quinn's mother is gone for the weekend.

R: Most boys would consider that a golden, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, not a problem. Especially on prom night.

F: I'm not sure what to do.

R: Do you mean you're not sure what you _ought_ to do, what you _should_ do, what you _want_ to do, or _how_ to do it?

F: I know how to do it. I've done it.

R: I guess I asked for that. Oh, by the way, did Santana come?

F: What?

R: You heard me. Did she or didn't she?

F: How would I know? How does any guy know for sure? I didn't ask. She made noises.

R: And she's a lesbo and you can't be blamed if she didn't. But I suppose I can be blamed for never letting you rehearse properly. Anyway, how do you know Quinn wants to?

F: She's said things. She's done things. I'm pretty sure it's no coincidence her mother's gone tonight.

R: So what's the problem? She's gorgeous, you're handsome, neither of you is a virgin.

F: I don't know – now that the moment has arrived, the whole thing makes me nervous.

R: I know just how you feel. I've been nervous before big auditions.

F: This isn't an audition.

R: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Quinn told me about her plans for the two of you.

F: What plans?

R: She's a real estate agent, you run Burt's shop, 2.5 kids, picket fence, dog – you know, livin' large in Lima.

F: I never heard that. Audition? She's casting the part of her husband?

R: I'm just teasing you a little. I'm in a good mood. Jesse brought vodka in a flask and I've had some. He's a college boy showing off. I'm a high school girl keeping up.

F: You're not going to …

R: No, no, silly. But I _am_ leading him on. _My_ revenge will be a dish served hot and when I'm finished with him he'll _wish_ he'd been eaten by a lion.

F: Well, okay, but be careful. You're more beautiful than ever tonight.

R: Yes, I know. Jesse, Sam, Puck, Mike, and Artie echoed your sentiments. The power is intoxicating. Or maybe it's just the vodka. But you have Quinn, and if all the lights in the gym were turned off everyone would still be able to see from the brightness of her glow.

F: Yes, I _am_ lucky, I guess. But you still haven't answered my question: what should I do?

R: Fuck Quinn.

F: You don't need to swear.

R: I wasn't swearing, I was just telling you what to do. Fuck Quinn. I can't say it any more clearly.

F: You could have at least said 'make love to Quinn'.

R: I can't bring myself to utter those words.

F: You could have told me to have sex with Quinn.

R: That's too ambiguous these days. Who knows where it might have ended up. Fuck Quinn. Skip the foreplay, but don't forget the afterplay.

F: I'm surprised at you Rachel. And how can I be sure you're not pulling a Kurt and setting me up for failure?

R: Because you know I'm not Kurt and, for that matter, neither is Kurt any more.

F: Won't you hate me forever? You were furious after you found out about Santana.

R: That was because you didn't confess when I told you about Jesse and left me to suffer a public humiliation. And you crushed my dream of our first time being the first time for both of us. Now that you've done it, whether it's once or a hundred times doesn't matter so much. It's easier for me to deal with imagining you two having raw, animal sex for five minutes than the hours of cuddling and hickeys and endless yearning and aching that I had with you. And at least if we ever get back together, when we do it you'll know how to get it right.

F: Wow! There are times you can be scarier than Quinn. And she's been with Puck. He knows stuff.

R: Sex is not a competitive sport. Besides, you have something Puck never had.

F: No, I don't. I've seen him in the shower.

R: _Et tu_, Finn. I meant Quinn's love. I've seen it in her eyes and I know it's real. Is my boy scout prepared?

F: They're in my wallet.

R: Double them up.

F: Because one might break?

R: Because _you_ might. Quinn needs to see fireworks before you do. The same advice was given to Yentl. It is a truth universally acknowledged. Jane Austen.

F: I thought Yentl was a Jewish girl played by Streisand and Austen was what you call a shikseh who wrote chick clit in England. I'm confused.

R: It's complicated. Just make sure it happens. And it's 'chick lit', like the gum, but either way you shouldn't chew it.

F: Why in the world are you telling me how to please Quinn? Why didn't you just hit me and storm off?

R: I need you to find out who you are and what you want, and to do it as soon as possible. You chose to be with Quinn now, when you could have had most of the girls in the school. You have to see it through with her once and for all and to do that you need to take it to the limit. You don't want to spend your life wondering 'what if?' and no woman would want you that way.

F: But what if I do as you say and I find out that I do love Quinn and we marry and live happily ever after? What about you?

R: I'll be either sadly happy or happily sad. But knowing you love Quinn will make it much easier for me to move on, because it will mean you and I could never have gone the distance.

F: I understand, I think. I really wish I could kiss you now.

R: I love you, too, my darling. Good luck.

R: Hey, Sam, let's dance.


	2. Afternoon Delight

R: Finn! Hi. You're the last person in the world I expected to see today. Come in. Can I get you anything? No? Let's go out back; it's a beautiful afternoon. … Sit with me on the swing seat. What brings you here? Did Quinn's mother come home early? Did you?

F: No and no. I had to leave. I needed to see you.

R: So, how did it go? But please spare me the details.

F: I did what you said and it all happened as you said it would. Thanks.

R: Oh goody. That makes my day. Couldn't you find a greeting card giving thanks for helping to get laid? Was a personal house call really necessary?

F: I'm not here to boast or to hurt you.

R: Sorry. Between my pleasure over Jesse and my anxiety over you, I didn't get much sleep.

F: Pleasure? Over Jesse? What happened? I thought you said you wouldn't.

R: And if I did, would you have a right to object? But, no, I didn't. I'm referring to sweet revenge. He got to see me naked, but that's all he got and he won't soon forget it. Right now, he's no longer sure UCLA really is in LA.

F: I hope one day you'll tell me all about it, but I don't like the seeing you naked bit.

R: Oh, like you haven't imagined it a thousand times.

F: At least. And what was your anxiety over me? That I got it right, or that I didn't?

R: Both.

F: You could have stopped me. I told you about it so that you might.

R: I know. But I needed you to do it. There would have been no hope for us if you hadn't. So, was it everything you wanted it to be? Do you love her?

F: I did love her. Sex makes you feel that way while it's happening. Even the second time.

R: Congratulations. You must be so proud. I wish I had the words to express how delighted I am to hear of Quinn's effect on your libido. But, pray tell, weary traveler, what brings you to my humble abode? Is this a courtesy call on your way to the drugstore?

F: When it was over, she fell asleep, but I lay there staring up at the ceiling. The sex had been great, I had felt tender and loving toward her and she excited me, but it wasn't always her, sometimes it was you I was inside of, like I had been so many times when I was alone in bed, and who knows what entered _her_ mind, and at the climax there is no one else, you're lost in yourself. Had I cheated on her with you, had the two of you cheated on me with Puck? People giving and getting pleasure for a moment, because it's so sweet and human and, finally, who cares. I realized I didn't need to forgive anyone about sex because nature doesn't need to be forgiven. I felt like my soul had been cleansed, all the hurt and resentments washed away. And then you appeared by the bed and you crawled under the covers and lay on top of me. I could feel the weight of you on my chest as you rose and fell with my breathing, and you poked me in the chest and said I needed to do all my homework on time every time and I promised I would, and I remembered a joke you told me that I never really understood, and it made me smile, and you smelled like the time I came by when you'd been working out and that got me hard again, and then we were quiet for a long while and I wondered what you would do or say next and I knew that I wanted more than anything in the world to be with _you_ and that that was love. I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I woke up, and felt exactly the same in the light of day, even with Quinn naked beside me, I knew I had to leave. After we ate, I told her it was over. She cried, and it was terrible, and now I'm here.

R: Oh, god, I was so afraid I'd lost you forever. The boy Mr. Schue said would be there for me – it's you, after all. But you have to go home, right away. Too much has happened and it's too soon. Emotions need to settle. Write me a letter, in ink. Now, please, before I do something really stupid and take you upstairs and get undressed.

F: I thought you were going to wait until you were twenty-five.

R: I'm not insane. When you didn't run, I knew you were for real. Now everything is clear and clean and I'll be ready.

F: I love you.

R: Sex can make you feel that way, even toward someone else. Go home, darling. Get some rest. Clear your mind. Give it time, see if it lasts. I really need the letter. Drive safely.

R: Daddy, takeout Sashimi or Thai tonight? … Ok, I'll pick it up.

R: _Vaya con Dios, Quinn Fabray._

The End


End file.
